What is best?

5 years ago in May of this year, we moved into this house - our home. It was a huge deal for us because we were married and were living with my Mom with all of our stuff in a 10’x10’ bedroom for a year. The first few nights in the new house were exciting and hard. I cried at night because I’ve never lived away from my Mom. (Yeah, I was 22 at the time. You can laugh.) Soon after, it became our home in this awesome development. Our neighbors got nicknames, we planted a garden, we painted rooms - we made it ours. In June of 2010, I left Starbucks and applied for WM. Two weeks after I applied, I got a call back. But, nothing ever came of that until September. From May on, we fell behind in payments and our house ended up going into foreclosure. In August, we applied for a modification to save our home and in October, a month away before it was to go up for Sheriff Sale, the modification went through and we were able to stay, but I lost my job. We struggled to make ends meet up until February and then we simply couldn’t afford the home even though it was $600 less than what we were paying. Early March, Darby was born and we had to put out expense after expense for things we needed for her. The monthly statement kept coming in and the occasional late notice trickled through. It became harder and harder to keep up with the other bills and we soon fell behind on our car, internet and TV. So, we gave up the TV, did without internet for a few months and managed to catch up on the car. Every now and then our cell phones were turned off, but we managed to pull money out of a hat and pay that bill. There are a few other things we could have done differently, but no matter what, we would have never been able to afford the home since I wasn’t working. That brings us to now. With our house still not going into foreclosure and it being over a year in March that we haven’t paid a single dime on it, it’s time to count or losses and walk away. We simply cannot stay here. Who knows how long the bank will take to foreclose on us? We can’t afford to take the chance so we’re moving. But, there’s always a catch. In order for us to make it somewhere else, we have to claim Bankruptcy. Luckily, I have my amazing Mother who has helped us more than I had ever imagined she could. She is buying us a home. (here I am getting all emotional) She told me that if we could make the payments on our current home, she would just buy it for us so we could keep it because she knows how much this home means to us. But, we can’t. So, she’s getting the loan for the new hone in her name and we’re going to be paying it. We’ll be downsizing - a lot, but that means a low monthly payment we can afford and a quicker way to get back on our feet. Yeah, the bankruptcy is going to put a big dent in pretty much everything in the financial aspect, but at least we have a place to live and an amazing family to be thankful for.
This has all been extremely hard on me since I’ve been blaming myself for the past three years for our financial situation and I’ve been pretty depressed about it. It’s been a few weeks since I haven’t cried myself to sleep and that’ll probably go on for a while. It’s kept me from properly doing Weight Watchers and I’m hoping that once everything is all settled and the money stress is gone, I’ll be able to work on me. Ellie (my therapist) told me that it was ok to let myself go through the grieving process for as long as need be so I can heal faster. (this all sounds so silly, right?) I had been trying to hold it back and force myself to become bitter towards the whole situation, but obviously that hasn’t really worked. So now, we wait. Tuesday, we start the bankruptcy process and sometime next week we should hear about the new house.

When I take a step back, I realize that this is what is best for us. For our family. If we want to get where we want to be, we’ve got to do what we’ve got to do. Even if it means go through the muck to get there.

So here I sit, almost 27 and about to claim bankruptcy. Definitely not where I thought I’d be at this point in time, but this is where I am and I’m coming at you life. Ready to take you on.